Not a eunuch awn, a unicorn.

If Mythical Creatures Existed no. five: Unicorns

Yes, the dreams of little girls everywhere would be fulfilled. And little girls would be very important in dealing with unicorns, but more on that later.

Points
They can't talk, so that makes things a little difficult. However they are clearly very intelligent animals, and understand a certain amount of what is going on in the human world. India was saved from invasion by Genghis Khan after a unicorn came and knelt before him and he realised invading the country was not the will of God.

Benefits
Well, the horn is clearly the most useful part of the unicorn. It can neutralise poison, which is a very useful thing for people worried about assassination. I also expect it could be put to good use in the medical profession, dealing with snake bites, spider bites, and other poisonous infections. However it would require killing the unicorn just to retrieve one piece of horn, which would not go down well among the various animal rights groups.

Something to consider...
Also, the best way to catch a unicorn is to use a virgin woman to attract it. They are usually wild and strong, but will come and lay their head in a virgin's lap, allowing hunters to encircle it and capture it. I assume there would be an age limit imposed on this practice, to stop little girls being used in contravention of child labour practices.

I also expect Muslim countries will take advantage of this fact to test whether a new bride is in fact untouched. If the unicorn becomes tame, the bride is fine. If not, she gets beheaded (probably).

Natural enemies
Unicorns would need to be kept away from lions, as the two are mortal enemies. And unfortunately for the unicorn, the lion usually wins. This might be surprising to anyone who knows that a single blow from a unicorn's horn can kill an elephant, but I guess lions are a bit more mobile.

Another benefit
If they can be tamed (by virgins, of course), they would make a beautiful addition to our culture. They would ride in parades, and perhaps become the official beast of many royal houses around the globe (cared for exclusively by a sect of chaste women).

Popular culture
I can forsee an issue where women forgo marriage in order to stay caring for their tame unicorns. I have no idea what the effect of marriage would have on the ability of a woman to maintain a good relationship with a unicorn. If it severed their connection, I imagine it would be terrible for both. In that case, I expect to see a number of stories appearing about the woman who had to choose between her man and her unicorn. I also expect to see quite a few teen novels in which young women come of age and leave behind their childhood unicorn friend and move on to an adult relationship with a man (with the unicorn's blessing, of course). These tales would be heart-rending and bittersweet, and would appeal to the over-emotional.

Conclusion
I think unicorns could make a small, but interesting impact on our world. If a captive breeding population could be maintained for the vital medical purposes, then hopefully the world could also enjoy the benefits of having the beautiful creatures in the wild.

Genie-ous!

If Mythical Creatures Existed no. four: Genies

Ahh yes, genies. Aka Jinn, aka jiff, aka Robin Williams. As far as I can tell, the existence of genies, especially in large numbers would prove catastrophic to this planet.

For starters
As soon as someone with a genie says something like "Argh! I wish everyone was dead!" then boom. Goodbye, Planet Earth. If that was their last wish, then we're screwed. Unless they can find another genie to undo their wish. Like I said, there are some major problems with having genies mix with the regular population.

Here's how I think it would play out.
- Genies are discovered.
- The first guy who discovers them ends up being King of the World, impossibly rich, and endowed with a harem of Swedish swimsuit models.
- The second guy who gets his hands on a genie deposes the other guy as King of the World, takes his harem of Swedish swimsuit models, and marries both Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie.
- A group of former world leaders get together to "sort this shizz out" and find a trustworthy child to use a genie next. The child restores the status quo and puts a limitation on the future use of genie wishes. And... never has to eat broccoli again.
From then on genies would have their powers irrevocably limited by the child's wish. Genies would be heavily monitored and regulated, with their use saved for only the most important situations. Like for instance, wishing for a delicious bucket of KFC chicken on a Friday night would totally not qualify.

The benefits
Obviously massive. Stop world hunger? Check. Cure cancer and all diseases? Check. Stop slavery? Done. Make the moon inhabitable? Sweet. Build a magic bridge from your house to the newly-refurbished moon? Alright!
However, the potential problems far outweigh the benefits.

Uh-Oh
As already discussed, there are some serious dangers putting people in charge of immense magical powers. Because they use them. For selfish reasons. When the 500th ex-husband shows up to the Department of Magic in the body of a toad, something's gotta go. And that's just the nice stuff. When some poor bloke gets his genitals hanging off his forehead after an argument, he's in for a lifetime of serious, serious issues (not to mention awkward times in public urinals). And when a woman ends up perpetually pregnant after making an ill-advised wish, that one is going to stymie medical science.

No, genies existing would be more trouble than they're worth.

I hope the world's governments have a "Genie Action Plan" (GAP) in case they're discovered soon. Because I'm scared.

Ahh, I miss Aladdin. My cousins knew the whole thing off by heart. And yes, we quoted it a lot as children.

boytaur!

Internet searches that found my blog - responded to!

Today: "centaur teaching a boy"

I don't know if they were looking for a picture, or a story, or what, but I've come up with:

Things a centaur could teach a boy
1) Star-gazing? That would be pretty useful. However I'm not sure if it's a uniquely centaur trait, or if it can be passed on to humans.
2) Galloping. I'd like to know how to gallop.
3) How to respond when a drunk human asks the old "hung like a horse" line. The correct response is, of course, to trample them to death.
4) How to chase tail. Ba-dooomm ching!
5) Wisdom, honour and "tempered masculinity". All good traits for a boy.
6) Proper chest hair grooming technique. Some of us guys need it, some don't.

Tomorrow - the final piece "i want write a rap song about my girlfriend"!!

Overseas mythionary

If Mythical Creatures Existed No. 3: Gryphons

For those who don't know, Gryphons (or Griffins or Griffons) have the body of a lion with the wings and head of an eagle. They have been associated with royalty for a long time, and are used on many royal and aristocratic famly crests. I see the existence of Gryphons as having a lot of benefits for human civilisation, with one big downside.

The benefits:
- First of all, very practical: their feathers can cure blindness. I can see a lot of eye doctors and optometrists being put out of business with this. HOWEVER. There is one problem before I get into this.

The Big Problem:
- Gryphons love gold. Like LOVE it. Now, in today's worldwide capitalist economy, this would drive the price of gold through the roof. Why? Because the Gryphons aren't dumb. They're going to charge for their blindness cure. The price? Gold. You want to see again? Sure. Just need to fill out this form, take a test... and give me your ring and watch. As a new player in the gold market, with a very valuable service to provide, the Gryphons know they've got a chance to hoard a stack of that yellow stuff.

Back to the benefits:
- Apart from curing blindness, Gryphons were known for their wisdom and fidelity. They mated for life, and if their mate died they lived alone until they died. Their wisdom would come in very handy as advisors, and I can see a lot of them moving into the stock market. To obtain gold. Or buy horses. Oh yeah, I forgot about the horses.

Another problem:
- They hate horses. Really hate them. So the chances of Gryphons buying up as many horses as possible and then killing them all is a possibility. The only thing that could stop this is if their love of gold is stronger than their hatred of horses, and they decide against buying them all up. That might not stop a few midnight stable aids, however.

Anyway, Gryphons are useful for other things too
- They could be employed as airline guards, to fly with planes and make sure they reach their destination safely. Two of them with each plane and they could grab on and slow its descent if something went wrong.
- They'd also be really useful for search-and-rescue operations, with their eagle eyes (no pun intended... they actually have eagle eyes) and their strength and agility.
- Private bodyguards. No one's going to start something crazy on your ass if you're rolling 12-deep, Gryphon style.
- Soldiers. Put some armour on them, maybe a sniper on their back, a radar system and maybe some rockets to help them fly and they'll be the biz on the battlefield.
- Poison detectors. A goblet made of a Gryphon claw would change colours if it had poison in it. However the only way you could obtain a Gryphon claw was if a holy man had healed a sick one, and he had been given the claw as a gift of thanks. So we're going to need a lot of sick Gryphons and a lot of good holy men before we can mass produce those things.

Ways we can help them
- Well, thebig one is obviously gold. We mine it on a daily basis, it's freely available on the open market and sellers are happy to sell to anyone with cash.
- The war with the Amazons. We're pretty certain that the Amazons, the tribe of warrior women, have been wiped out. However if the Gryphons think they're still out there then we can certainly go looking with them. I do think that the Gryphons may have an issue with the rise of feminism and women's rights, so we'll have to open them up to some mediation on that.

Cultural impact:
- Gryphons are a romantic creature. I believe their existence would inspire an increase in the amount of romantic novels and films, especially centred around a Gryphon's devotion to their mate. That kind story, where a young handsome Gryphon lives out the rest of his life in solitude, grieving over his beautiful dead wife, appeals like MAD to women. They love that stuff. It's their catnip. They go crazy for it. So I think we'd see a rise in those sorts of stories.
- It might also lead to a new cultural expectation on human men and women to stay devoted to their partners even after death. Or possibly, even after marriage (crazy to think these days but stranger things have happened).

In closing, I say bring on the Gryphons. Sure they love our gold and hate our horses, but they're awesome!

I had to do some research for this. Although I do remember Gryphons in Heroes of Might and Magic (computer game) being pretty useful in battle.

If Mythical Creatures Existed No. 2: Centaurs

The existence of centaurs does not, in my eyes, bring as many immediate benefits to our civilisation as mermaids would. However they still have some things to offer, and some ways they could fit in and provide some services to the human world. They are well known as being fairly friendly to humans, but with a violent and animalistic streak that can rear its head.

A list of benefits:
- The big one is telling the future. Centaurs are star-gazers, and have the ability to discern the times through the movements in the heavens. This is a seriously big deal. Having accurate, recognised fortune-tellers advising humans on world events would be a major advantage for whichever world leaders could get them on side. It would make strategic planning for wars and alliances much easier, as well as providing a check and balance to leaders who were pursuing paths that would lead to destruction. Of course, once every side had a few good centaur star-gazers, the advantage might be lost. However, it could mean the beginning of a more peaceful world order.
- Centaurs, at least those descended from Chiron, are known for their wisdom, honour, and "tempered masculinity". They would be especially useful teaching in universities, or advising businesses on strategy and proper corporate governance.
- Rounding up cattle or horses or sheep would be easier if the shepherd could run as fast as their animals. Centaurs could do the job here easily.
- In military terms, they would make useful scouts, as their speed and intelligence would be very handy. They could also carry another solider on their back, although this is a big deal and the soldier and centaur would have to share a lot of respect for one another.

Things we could do for them:
- Help them out with better foot wear and equine health.
- It must be hard cleaning yourself when your arms can't even reach the middle of your back. We could provide proper cleaning and grooming services.

Problem areas: - Unfortunately, centaurs have a severe problem with alcohol. Especially wine. They are known to go crazy at the sniff of wine and start attacking people and getting drunk. This isn't much different to human behaviour, except that we don't have hooves and find it harder to trample people. But the prevalence of alcohol would be a real issue. It would take a lot of organisation and goodwill on behalf of both races to deal with the problem. Alcohol tolerance classes might be needed for the centaurs, while humans would have to limit consumption when in contact with centaurs.
- The centaurs' animal nature has also been a problem in regard to women. There have been several historical instances of rape or attempted rape by centaurs on human women, which is clearly well out of order. While often linked with alcohol consumption, the centaurs were well known in ancient Greece for trying to steal women. There would need to be some high level discussions about the best way to tackle this, because otherwise animosity between the races would get out of hand very very fast.
- Which leads me to another problem - Furries. Yes, those complete weirdos who are sexually attracted to half human, half animal creatures. They'd be alllllll over the centaurs. The humans would have to keep a lid on it, but then you'd also expect that a centaur could handle itself. Still, humans would need to make sure a rough and tough group of furries doesn't try to capture itself a female centaur. Not that a "rough and tough group of furries" is something that will ever exist ever.

Cultural impact:
- It would make the Narnia and Harry Potter films easier to make.
- Centaur literature and oral history would make for fascinating studies, with University courses springing up everywhere.
- The ability to star-gaze would be studied, and enterprising fortune-tellers would begin to claim they were "descended from Chiron's human concubine", or use centaur blood as part of their fortune-telling rituals.
- Putting a centaur in the Big Brother house would be a new low, however it could have the latent benefit of murdering all the other contestants after a sniff of wine, so that might not be so awful.

I had to do a bit of research on this one, because there is less collective memory about the role of centaurs in human history. But it was fun. I'll do another one soon!

If Mythical Creatures Existed No. 1: Mermaids

The existence of mermaids would be a massive boost for our understanding of the sea. Assuming they were not hostile to humans, we could learn a lot from them. If they were hostile, they could cause some real damage. Our shipping would be in danger, and due to their ability to talk to fish, there is a real chance a large part of the world's food supply could become unavailable when the mermaids tell them how to avoid our nets.

However, I would like to think they would like to coexist in peace with humans.
Here's a list of some of the benefits they could bring to our civilisation:
- Deep sea exploration. They would have a much greater knowledge of the darkest places of the oceans.
- Sustainable fish farming. They could herd fish into suitable collection points, making the hit-and-miss approach of deep-sea fishing redundant. The mermaids would also be able to keep track of fish numbers, meaning we could change which fish we herded depending on their sustainability.
- Wreck location. This would be a great help to the families of those who have been lost at sea. They could also help recover ancient artifacts, and would be especially useful in underwater archaeological digs.
- Scientific knowledge. Through careful study of mermaids we would be able to better develop biological technology that would allow humans to survive underwater for longer periods of time.

Of course, we would need to provide things in return:
- The technology to allow mermaids to visit land. They would get to see parts of the world they had never experienced.
- Jobs. Depending on the employment situation under the sea, they would be plenty of work opportunities for mermaids. From fish herding, wreck locating, to entertaining guests at island resorts. The most beautiful among them would almost certainly land key roles in films and television series.
- A greater respect for their home under the sea. Due to a dialogue between the two races, the sea would be able to be managed better and to the satisfaction of all parties.

Cultural impact:
- Books, movies, websites, television series and toys based on mermaids would spring up almost instantaneously. Key themes would include "love that can never be" and "lessons we can learn from each other".
- I estimate it would take 0.035 seconds after the discovery of mermaids for a human to wonder whether it's possible to mate with one. That's up to the scholars to decide.
- Literature and media exchange. The two cultures would have a lot to tell each other in terms of stories and artworks, with the possibility of finding similar universal themes and stories that resonate with both races.

If anyone else has any other mythical creatures they would like to see, let me know!