Aliens vs. Predator vs. Ted Nugent

The web site Comics Alliance has been putting together "Great Comics That Never Happened," some of the best comic books that I would definitely have read if they ever really existed.  Make sure you check out Batman & Motorhead, the lesbian wedding of Mary Jane Parker and Black Cat, and my favorite, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen featuring Doc Brown, B.A.Baracus, and MacGyver.  Scope them all out for yourself right here.

Chapter 69.7: Random Q&A on a Sunny, New York Morning

Q: Why do commuter trains scheduled to arrive at a certain time sometimes arrive several minutes later?
A: A variety of reasons, most of which are beyond the control of the train's engineer or conductor. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Read a book. Do a puzzle. Catch up on sleep.

Q: Why is it cold in early November when the sun is shining so brightly and the sky is blue?
A: It has to do with direct sunlight and the angle of the planet. The earth is actually closer to the sun during the winter -- at least in the Northern hemisphere. But the sun's rays strike a more glancing blow across the Northern hemisphere at that time. Seasons change. Talk to the moon.

Q: Why did Mets third baseman David Wright win the Gold Glove award?
A: Because it's a popularity contest, like most things in life. He works hard, plays hard, everyone likes him, and he deserves to be liked. In a few years when he has the inevitable bad year or one of his parents gets sick or, God forbid, dies, and he lashes out at the fanbase that doesn't seem to understand why he can't hit .315 and hit 30 homers every year, then he'll look back and question why he plays a kids game. Then it'll come back to him, and he'll rebound with an MVP-caliber season. Because he's a damn good ball player, that's why.

Q: Why do bad things happen to good people?
A: Because Einstein was wrong, and God does play with dice. In fact, the Almighty has a bit of a problem, but he refuses to go into a 12-step program because he doesn't believe in a higher power. Who are we to tell God he's wrong?

Q: Why is oatmeal bland?
A: It's a twist on the previous two questions. Good things happen to people, but they're not necessarily exciting. And working hard isn't always its own reward, sometimes you need a lower cholesterol count too. Think of oatmeal as your quest to win the Gold Glove award. Most players don't think of it that way, but then strikeouts are on the rise too. Go figure.

Q: Are there aliens?
A: Of course. They stream in over the border every day. I've met legal aliens, and they work hard and care about their families, and I'm generally happy to know them.

Q: No, I mean space aliens?
A: We've sent about two dozen people to another planet. Some did a fly-by, twelve walked there; they all returned. These days we keep our space aliens in near-earth orbit.

Q: Seriously, I mean beings from another planet?
A: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Q: Why won't you answer my questions?
A: I've answered everything you ask. You simply don't like all my answers. Next time, don't vote for me. The personal accolades are nice, but I'm just happy to help out the team.

Chapter 66.8: Aliens for Richardson

No, I don't mean the aliens that are probably streaming across the New Mexico border, but rather the ones that streak across the sky (maybe that's what was lighting up the sky the other night.)

Yes, even an august publication like the Washington Post is trying to determine the how extraterrestrials will influence the 2008 election. I think this story was supposed to run next April -- as in April first, a day for fools. What the heck is Dana Milbank doing? The article's funny, yes, but does the Post pay him to report on whether Dennis Kucinich is a closet UFOlogist? And Bill Richardson's only chance to get elected to higher office is if ET and his buddies land and get suffrage before November 2008. Oh yeah, and they'd have to spread out across the country, because if they're only in New Mexico, he'd only win that one state -- and even then, he'd probably have a tough time in that swing state. Something tells me Richardson's only help from above is God, not aliens.

I enjoyed the sense of humor displayed by Hillary Clinton's spokesperson, who responded to Milbank's question by saying, "Let me check in with the mother ship." I'm not sure how the senator would take that, however.

If nothing else, we can be thankful that there are spokespeople who aren't afraid to tell a reporter to stuff it. Take this from Kucinich's spokesperson:

"If you have a serious question, just ask me," Kucinich spokeswoman Natalie Laber replied when told of the UFO crowd's hopes for her boss. "If not, then just keep your silly comments to yourself."

For the record, while I'm ok with people trying legally to make a better life for themselves in the United States, I don't think ET should be fast-tracked to get a vote, whether they're Republicans, Democrats, or independents.

Chapter 66.7: Look, Up in the Sky!

I didn't see it, but the other night something bright streaked across the sky above New Mexico. According to SpaceWeather.com, some folks in New Mexico witnessed and filmed the disintegration of what must have been some massive piece of space junk. (Or was it a crashing UFO? How far away from Santa Fe is Roswell? Can the Northern Lights be viewed in New Mexico?) The description of the object being four times brighter than the moon is startling.

It reminded me of the day the spaceshuttle Columbia broke up in the skies above Texas. (Is it really four years ago already!) It was during the weekend, and for some reason I awoke very early needing to use the bathroom. I didn't have my glasses on and was startled by a brief burst of light in the night. Hours later, when I learned of the Columbia's tragic demise, I wondered if I might have inadvertently witnessed the after effects of the destruction, but the timelines don't match. Just a random burst of light, I suppose.

Either way, things like that keep me scanning the starry skies, waiting patiently for something fascinating to occur.