Chapter 32.4: Make Sure She Swallows

Ok, that’s a crass headline – yes, it’s about “that” type of swallowing. So, if frank discussion of incredible lawsuits offends you, go find a Michael Jackson Web site. (Nota Bene: This entry is about a story that annoys me, and it’s possible I’ll end up re-editing the piece later.)

One of the more bizarre lawsuits I’ve ever heard of is being waged in our court system, and now it has made the papers. A man and his ex-girlfriend are in a child support battle over a child who was conceived after oral sex. The surprise pregnancy occurred because she allegedly saved his semen that he’d ejaculated into her mouth.

That’s right. He blew his load in her mouth and she saved it to impregnate herself. Then she sued him for child support. He alleges that they never had penal/vaginal intercourse during their four-month relationship, and he didn’t know about the child for two years; she said he did know. If I’m reading correctly, both these people are doctors – at least they both work in the medical field according to the story I read. (Look it up if you want, but I’m not going to post a link to it. It’s on the wires, appearing in papers on 2/25/05)

In a differently edited version of the same Associated Press story, the woman reportedly claimed that the pain the man felt wasn’t bad enough to warrant a lawsuit and her actions weren’t “truly extreme and outrageous” as he apparently claimed. The circuit court in Illinois where this happened agreed with her and dismissed the case back in 2003. An Illinois appellate court, however, recently ruled for the man. The story also quoted the woman’s attorney as saying “There’s a 5-year old child here ... Imagine how a child feels when your father says he feels emotionally damaged by your birth.”

I am continually amazed at the depravity in this world. How could a person conceive of the scheme of saving a man’s ejaculate in order to get herself pregnant? Moreover, how could a court rule that such an action constituted a “gift,” as the appellate court reportedly determined? I’ve written enough about nonprofit organizations to know this isn’t your typical charitable donation.

If a court is going to allow such ridiculous terms into this context (the terms “gift” and "donor"), then doesn’t the donor have a right to a receipt if this “gift” is to be valued at more than $250? She’s claiming child support of about $800 per month. I think he should have been allowed to know ahead of time that she was going to use his “gift” in this manner. Using her argument, he should have had a right to knowingly choose to donate a major gift. She should have said something before her mouth was full. Did he purchase naming rights for this major donation? If any “gift” is given in good faith to be used in an expected manner – in this case, spit or swallow – how can the recipient hold the donor responsible for the unanticipated third alternative? If someone gave a person a car, should the gift giver be held responsible when the recipient decides to smash it through a store and kill innocent people? If she had placed it in her hair and caused her hair style to get all crazed, would he have been responsible for paying her bill at the hair stylist?

The irony in my mind is that her lawyer actually said something intelligent. There is a living child here. But the lawyer’s question begs another: Imagine how the child feels when he learns his mother deceived his unknowing father into causing the child to be. “Oops” just doesn’t cut it.

This is the opposite of abortion. It might actually be worse, except for the important distinction that a child is alive. Still, this sounds like an insidious attempt to dishonor life. If what the woman is alleged to have done is true – and she wasn’t denying it from what I’ve read – then the man was not intending to get her pregnant. She was clearly not raped and the sex was reportedly consensual. But it’s difficult to call this an unintended pregnancy because she wanted it to happen. I have a lot of sympathy for a woman who made a mistake and who didn’t want to get pregnant. That must be a horribly difficult situation for a woman, and I'm not sure men can fully understand it. But to actually take the ejaculate out of her mouth and put it somewhere that enables it to remain viable takes ... well, that takes balls.